Just for giggles :)

[ForeverMirin]

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

Sånn type humor DIGGER jeg. Punish me (babes)

Why don't women know how to ski?

Because it doesn't snow between the kitchen and the bedroom.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice.

What do you call a woman with one black eye?

A quick learner.

Memorable dates in Manchester City's Illustrious History:

1937: Division 1 Title Winners for the first time, under Wilf Wild

1956: FA Cup Winners under Les McDowall

1968: Division 1 Title Winners under Joe Mercer

1969: FA Cup Winners under Joe Mercer

1983: Yaya Toure is born

1984: Yaya Toure's 1st Birthday

1985: Yaya Toure's 2nd Birthday

1986: Yaya Toure's 3rd Birthday

1987: Yaya Toure's 4th Birthday

1988: Yaya Toure's 5th Birthday

1989: Yaya Toure's 6th Birthday

1990: Yaya Toure's 7th Birthday

1991: Yaya Toure's 8th Birthday

1992: Yaya Toure's 9th Birthday

1993: Yaya Toure's 10th Birthday

1994: Yaya Toure's 11th Birthday

1995: Yaya Toure's 12th Birthday

1996: Yaya Toure's 13th Birthday

1997: Yaya Toure's 14th Birthday

1998: Yaya Toure's 15th Birthday

1999: Yaya Toure's 16th Birthday

2000: Yaya Toure's 17th Birthday

2001: Yaya Toure's 18th Birthday

2002: Yaya Toure's 19th Birthday

2003: Yaya Toure's 20th Birthday

2004: Yaya Toure's 21st Birthday

2005: Yaya Toure's 22nd Birthday

2006: Yaya Toure's 23rd Birthday

2007: Yaya Toure's 24th Birthday

2008: Yaya Toure's 25th Birthday

2009: Yaya Toure's 26th Birthday

2010: Yaya Toure's 27th Birthday

2011: Yaya Toure's 28th Birthday; FA Cup Winners under Roberto Mancini

2012: Yaya Toure's 29th Birthday; Premier League Champions under Roberto Mancini

2013: Yaya Toure's 30th Birthday

2014: Yaya Toure's 31st Birthday; Premier League Champions under Manuel Pellegrini

Husband: Honey, do you smell that?

Wife: No. 


Husband: Yeah, me neither, start cooking.

My grandad has the heart of a lion and a life time ban from the Edinburgh zoo.

Once upon a time there was a bear and a rabbit. The bear was taking a shit in the woods when he asked the rabbit if he had problems with shit sticking to its fur. The rabbit said no so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

Q: Whats the Difference between kinky and perverted?

A1: Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriends ass with a feather.

A2: Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Drove my car into a fat woman today. I was gonna drive around her but I didn’t have enough gas.

Guy walks in to a bar…orders a shot of whiskey…guy sitting at the bar watches him drink the shot, pull out the napkin, climb the stairs to the top of the building, drop the napkin, jump and float to the ground. He walks back in to the bar and does the whole thing again. This time he orders the drink and the guy looking amazed and puzzled asks him how he’s doing it. So the guy says order a shot. So they do the shot. He says grab your napkin and follow me. The guy goes to the top of the building, drops his napkin, jumps and floats right down. He yells up for the guy to do the same…guy drops the napkin and jumps…splat! First guy walks back into the bar, orders another shot. Bartender looks at him and says;”Superman you’re an asshole when you drink!”

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

How do you know when your too drunk to drive?

When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener.

I didn't sleep very good last night. So this morning I put pre workout in my coffee... I was half way to work when I realized I forgot my car.

Me: Is there a problem officer?

Cop: You were swerving alot back there

Me: Well I had 8 beers officer

Cop: Thats no excuse to let your wife drive

Daughter: Mom, I'm pregnant!

Mom: I thought I told you when a guy touches your boobs, say don't, and when he touches you vagina, say stop.

Daughter: But he kept touching both, so it came out,"don't, stop, don't, stop.

And more to come

[ForeverMirin]

I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog shit. A minute later, some guy did exactly the same thing. I said to him, "I just did that." So, he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

[ForeverMirin]

I told my girlfriend that my mom is old so she needs to speak slowly and loud. Then I told my mom my girlfriend is retarded. They have no idea!

[ForeverMirin]

It started raining, so i took shelter in a peekaboo sex shop.

I paid £50 and was confronted by 3 doors reading blonde, brunette,or black, I chose blonde.

Only to be confronted by more doors reading small tits, medium tits, or big tits.

I chose big tits, only to be confronted by yet more doors.

They read small cunt, large cunt,or wet cunt. I chose wet cunt, and found myself back outside in the fuckin rain!

[ForeverMirin]

I just read "The shorter the journey to work, the more risks drivers are willing to take."

Nonsense. I never take risks on my way to work.

And I can get there before my windscreen's even defrosted.

[ForeverMirin]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob.

I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Bloody predictive text. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[ForeverMirin]

Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ?

A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them

[ForeverMirin]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of

coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

[ForeverMirin]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

[ForeverMirin]

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties . An American farmer looked over the fence and said

"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"

The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"

[ForeverMirin]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City. There

women go to find a husband . Among the instructions at the entrance

one can find the following:

You can only visit this store ONCE ! There are six floors and the value

of products rises as you come up the floors . You can select a

product in a floor , or you can choose to go one floor up . But you can

not go down one floor , except to leave the store !

A woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . In

the first floor there is a sign on the door reads :

First floor - These men have jobs .

She is interested , but continues to the second floor , where there is a

signs:

Second floor - These men have steady jobs and loves children.

' It's fine' she thinks, ' but I want more. '

So she continues upwards. The third floor sign reads :

Third floor - These men have jobs , love kids, and are extremely

good looking

' Wow ,' she thinks, but feels she must go on.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads :

Fourth floor - These men have jobs , love kids, are insanely

good looking and help with the housework .

'Oh help me ! ' she says, ' I can`t stand it ! '

Still, she goes up another floor and the sign reads :

Fifth floor - These men have jobs , love kids, are insanely

good looking , help with the housework and is very romantic .

She is so tempted , but goes up to the sixth floor, where the sign reads :

Sixth floor - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. it is

no men on this floor . This floor exists solely as proof that

it is impossible to please women. Thank you for visiting

Husband Store .

PLEASE NOTE :

To avoid being accused of sexism , the shopkeeper

opened a New Wife Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer .

Third , fourth, fifth , and sixth floors have never been visited ...

[ForeverMirin]

Back when I was a kid, there was no internet,

So people would sometimes have to walk for miles just to call me a cunt.

[ForeverMirin]

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!

911: Alright, What is it?

Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!

911: So what's your emergency?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

[ForeverMirin]

I was watching my door neighbour's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife just standing there, arms folded... watching me. Do you think she's a pervert?

[ForeverMirin]

The missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see what the reaction would be. The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the fundamental and received death threats. Fuck knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house

[ForeverMirin]

John, a Sydney University student, was hitchhiking about 100 kilometres north of Brisbane on an unlit country road and on a very dark night with a severe storm raging. Thunder, lightning, torrential rain… the night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see more than a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, in a flash of lightning, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped just a few feet from where he stood. John, in the dark and driving rain, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door… immediately noticing that there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on!

Then, the car began slowly moving.

A little terrified by the sudden movement, without any obvious human interaction, John was thinking about jumping from the moving vehicle, but the storm was getting worse… here was a safe haven from the tempest—of sorts…

He looked ahead at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. “Do I jump?” he thought, when suddenly— just before he hit the curve—a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

John, in the dark, with only the flash of the lightning and paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the slowly moving car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody around him the horrible experience he had just been through. A silence had enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and wasn’t drunk…

About 5 minutes later, two blokes walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, “Look, Bruce… there’s the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.”

[ForeverMirin]

James wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…

One day, James got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you,But the girl said NO.

James said, "I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

[ForeverMirin]

When my girlfriend was paralysed after the accident she worried about the changes it would have to her life.

My concern was how would she cope now that she was single.

[ForeverMirin]

At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,

"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."

He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,

"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."

Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,

"You can fuck off."

[ForeverMirin]

Valentines Day:

Dinner:€100

Drinks:€50

Taxi:€20

Hotel:€400

The look on your face when she tells you she's on her period...

PRICELESS!