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Annonse

Tom Jones realized that while other singers need music videos to make them sexy, music videos need Tom Jones to make them sexy. Which is why he cast himself in a featureless void and called it "Sex Bomb."

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When Tom Jones says he's all you need, he's existentially accurate.

In "International," he passes right through that absolute zero point of music videology, coming out the other side to actively take the piss out of the idea of acting sexy while still doing it. It starts with an old man insisting he's still relevant under a harsh white light while people stare and take notes. It rebuilds the CERN particle accelerator as a secret military plot to build a Sex Bomb, and he overloads it. Scientists construct robotic hips just to out-thrust him, and fail, and women have to be harnessed to hold them back from his then-sextuagenarian booty. It features old, chubby white men who have to be forcibly restrained from pretending to be sexy because they think they're Tom Jones, and it doesn't bother him, because he knows he's Tom Jones.

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No lie, every act should have these guys as backup dancers.

If someone was making a video to mock him, this is the exact one they'd make. In fact, that may well have been what happened, because Tom Jones could stroll into his worst enemy's stronghold and make it his by sheer charisma. He knows it looks tragic when older men try energetic moves, so he simply doesn't. He moves back and forth slowly, like the tides, and is just as powerful, and gets just as many women wet. Then the whole laboratory complex undergoes sexiness red alert and becomes a nightclub, which is the other plot my brain wrote when I was 13. It's more proof that true sexiness is all about self-belief, and Tom Jones believes in himself hard enough to bend local space-time over and make sure it comes first.

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Annonse

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