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False Prophets of Swole - 'The Abercrombie Workout'


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HerculesFarnese1.jpg

This is what a real man looks like. Incidentally, this is also what a man looks like when he gets out of a cold pool.

There are many roads one can follow on the path of swole. Some are simple and direct in their pursuit of size and strength (heavy compound lifts multiple times a week.) Others are more circumlocutory in their pursuit (Strength dominant, cardio heavy, sports such as football, e.g.) Then there paths that lead to ruin, such as 'The Abercrombie Workout.'

Before I dive in to this 'workout' and 'philosophy', let me make one thing clear - If you're a male and workout for any other reason than becoming bigger (in terms of muscle), faster and stronger, then you are doing a disservice to the male populace and should castrate yourself now. I'll wait.

I won't link directly to the sites I mention in these posts, as I don't want to be directly responsible for any traffic they get. That said, you can use the googles if so desired.

Let's start the parade of bullshit:

'The Abercrombie Workout' is a spam site pushing something called 'Visual Impact Muscle Building' - An approach to bodybuilding that guarantees you will forever be a weak, skinny douche with toothpick legs.

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This is not a man.

From the website:

Are You A Victim Of Squats, Dead Lifts, And The Bench Press??

Are+you+a+victim.jpg

Let's look at the text, block by block, with rebuttal:

(This is the kind of body that the “Big 3″ lifts will create. You do NOT want this. Round and puffy muscles with a thick midsection doesn't cut it for Abercrombie models)

1) Squats- Do a great job of adding a lot of mass to your thighs and butt. You do NOT want this! Abercrombie models don’t have huge butts or thighs because it will ruin their look. They also won’t be able to fit into stylish pants.

The argument against squats here boils down to this: Skinny Jeans. If you're overly concerned with wearing the same jeans as your little sister you might want to consider gender reassignment surgery. Unless you're a hipster, then you might want to consider suicide, instead. Squats, without argument, are one of the best exercises you can do for total body strength (tied with the deadlift, of course.)

Doing squats with significant volume and weight WILL lead to huge legs, but for the overwhelming majority of people, this will never be an issue, so squat away and enjoy being a much stronger human being. Here's a picture of a guy who honestly thinks his legs are too big:

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Seriously, look at those tree trunks.

As an aside, the guy in the picture above (let's call him "Trevor",) seriously believes that he needs to lose size in his legs in order to fit into jeans because his legs are sooo big.

2) Dead Lifts- This lift also does an incredible job of adding mass to the midsection, thighs, and butt. Adding mass to your midsection will ruin the natural “V” in your upper body. Take a moment and study their physique. They all have nice wide shoulder that tapers down to a small and lean waist.

First, let's look at what Abercrombie models look like:

Abercrombie-models.jpg

Those chicks should put shirts on.

Now, lets look at a powerlifter - Matt Kroczaleski

mattkroc.jpg

Yup, no "V" taper in his upper body at all.

Deadlift, like the squat, is a whole body exercise that focuses primarily on the posterior chain (the whole of the back, the glutes, hamstrings, etc.) Like the squat, the deadlift turns you into a beast of a man. The difference between the two pictures says more than I ever could, but ladies, let me ask you a question: Who do you think is better in bed, two skinny looking asthmatics who look like they were just liberated from Auschwitz, or someone who looks like he could bench press you and the bed?

3) Traditional Bench Press: I am still a huge fan of the bench press, just not the flat bench or decline bench. These lifts focus way too much on lower pec development. You don’t want your pecs to resemble that of woman’s breasts. This is why I only recommend doing chest exercises in an inclined fashion. You want masculine square pecs. A line that goes all the way up to the collar bone is very desirable. Upper pec development will give you that angular looking chest that women love.

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Yeah, not at all what women want.

Bench, regardless of how you do it, is a good exercise. While there is slightly different targeting between incline and flat, if you're going for size/mass, it doesn't really matter which you do. They both work the deltoids, triceps and the pectorals, to varying degree. They both work the entirety of the pectorals (both the Sternal and Clavicular head). That said, working the incline DOES engage the clavicular head more, but any noticeable size difference will primarily come from the more intense recruitment of the deltoids. Any angularity that your chest has is likely from not having enough muscle, and has nothing to do with which angle you bench at, so stop being a pussy and bench more. Alternatively, do Overhead Press.

4) Bonus: It is also a good ideal to stray away from shrugs and upright rows. Abercrombie and Fitch models have wide and ripped shoulders.Adding mass in traps will take away from your sharp, angular, wide shoulders. This is extremely important for you as well as models to sport fashionable clothes. For more tips and techniques check out REDACTED FOR BULLSHIT CHRONICLE

Honestly, some people don't want large traps. They usually look like this:

trapless+douche.JPG

Even twinks think this guy is weak.

Traps help round out a muscular frame, and they're supremely important in the pursuit of strength, as they're used in everything from Bench Press, to Dead Lift. As a bonus, they give your partner something to hold on to when giving her a good rogering, just ask
Swolesister
!

Ron Swanson is not impressed

It is a good thing that 'Survival of the Fittest' does not apply to the modern male, because otherwise, we'd never have made it out of the 60's and 70's. Hippies try to take credit for everything from ending "the Vietnam war" (which they didn't, television ended it,) to "The Computer Revolution" (nope, that was the cold-war.) In reality however, the Hippy movements only real accomplishment was the start of 'The Pussification of Man'(TM.) Let's just take a look at the evolution of man over the last several decades:

mahler109_c.jpg

Man, circa 1954

Post WWII - Men were still men, we were fighting the communists, working manual labor jobs, drinking and smoking in our offices while sexing up our secretaries and eating steak and eggs every morning. Then we hit the 60's.

hippie.jpg

"Man", circa 1969

Much better music than the previous generation, Drugs became more readily accessible - but made you think shit like eating flowers and not bathing were good ideas. Also, patchouli was introduced, which research suggests causes severe damage to the brain and sperm as evidenced by the offspring:

70.jpg

70's - A whole generation of men lost due to disco and cocaine

The rise of disco, polyester, and the start of the effeminate male. Thankfully however, due to the cold war, we still had some competitive drive in us. The Russians started producing superhuman athletes and pioneered research in anabolic steroids, which introduced the idea of the modern muscle man (Schwarzenegger, Ferrigno, and the like), and gave the whole world a much needed boost in testosterone (though not nearly enough.)

80s-cheesy-pin-up-male-model-in-jeans-christopher-douglas-photo-print-poster.jpg

80's - Where Rape-Face was sexy.

Which improved even the male model populace in the 80's, temporarily. Sure, they were cheesy, but they weren't emaciated as in the 70's. Then something terriblehappened:

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Fucking Hair Bands

And we never recovered. Spandex, Lycra and heroin all became popular. Thusly, effeminate hair styles, skinny dudes, shaved chests and armpits also became popular. All of which can be attributed seen in one of the most egregious affronts to the male archetype, ever: Hair Metal Bands. Many people attribute the rise in Hair Bands a natural progression from the drug fueled hard-rock era of the 70's, but that's bullshit: Hair Bands were popular in the Eastern Block countries much earlier than the United States. It is no coincidence that Hair Metal became popular in the western world during this guy's presidency:

reagan.jpg

Who, due to his failing memory and rational capability, wound down the cold-war (which ended the year his presidency ended) as well as championed an economic theory which favored cocaine fueled wall-street executives, instead of the hard working auto-workers in Detroit, or the gruff coal miners in Virginia.

The 90's brought us further emasculation through the rise of, you guessed it, "Abercrombie & Fitch". A&F as we now it was shat onto the world in the early 90's when the company went through a 'rebranding' from a sporting goods retailer to a reasonably affordable 'fashionable' clothing. Here's the result:

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Thankfully Bruce Willis got to Demi before this douche.

A new hope

The last few decades have been tough for men, but all is not lost. Since the late 1980's there has been an underground resurgence of Strongman competitions due in part to the popularization of competitions such as "The Worlds Strongest Man", "The Highland games," where men with names like "Magnus", "Hafþór Björnsson" and "Phil" pay homage to Brodin by lifting obscenely heavy things repeatedly. The men do not fall victim to the latest fads such as "The Shrinkwrap Effect", "P90X" and "Jogging." They eat big, lift heavy, crush their enemies, drive the weak before them and hear the lamentations of their women, and we would all be better off emulating their regimens.

Kroc+the+barbarian.jpg

Picture Relevant

Weakness is not a virtue

Programs like "The A&F" workout or "Visual Impact Muscle Building" rub me the wrong way for many reasons, but the crux of my issue with them boils down to this: There are very few (if any) instances where a human should desire to be a weaker version of themselves. Programs like the aforementioned, however, try to pass off weakness and mediocrity as desirable and attractive traits, and the bad thing is, people buy into it. It does a disservice to themselves, to humanity, and to Brodin.

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Fortsetter under...

Gjest Jester
Så det er markløft sin "feil" at jeg har en djevelsk svær rygg? :p

Hvor er original artikkelen? Fikk lyst til å poste den på facebook :p

orginalartikkelen ligger som link øverst :)

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Annonse

Thread Hijack!

Book of Brodin.

Chapter 1

The Beginning

1 In the beginning Brodin created the Power Rack and the Olympic Platform.

2 Now the power rack was deserted with an empty barbell, darkness was over the surface of the platform, and the Spirit of Brodin was hovering over the Iron Temple.

3 And Brodin said, “Let there be 45 lb plates,” and there were plates.

4 Brodin saw that the plates were balanced, and he separated the iron plates from the rubber plates.

5 Brodin called the iron “power lifting plates,” and the rubber he called “olympic lifting plates.” And there was reps, and there were sets—the first lifting session.

6 And Brodin said, “Let there be a vault between the reps to separate lifts from lifts.”

7 So Brodin made the vault and separated the reps under the barbell from the weights on it. And it was so.

8 Brodin called the vault “rest.” And there was reps, and there was sets—the second lifting session.

9 And Brodin said, “Let the men under the sky be gathered to one place, and lets pick things up and put them down.” And it was so.

10 Brodin called this movement “deadlifts,” and the gathered men he called “bros.” And Brodin saw that it was good.

11 Then Brodin said, “Lets place heavy ass weights on a bar and put it on their backs until their quads are so strong they push the earth.” And it was so.

12 The quads produced gainz: complementing the back and hamstrings of the deadlifts while continuing to push the weights on their back into the heavens. And Brodin saw that it was good.

13 And there was reps, and there was sets—the third lifting session.

14 And Brodin said, “Let there be complementing lifts to separate the upper and the lower body, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred biceps, and deltoids and pecs,

15 and let them be astetic in the eyes of the nonswole to give light in the iron temple.” And it was so.

16 Brodin made two great lifts—the bench press to govern the chest and the overhead press to govern the deltoids. He also made the curls.

17 Brodin set them in the temple of the iron to balance out the lower body,

18 to strengthen the back, and to separate weaklings from swole. And Brodin saw that it was good.

19 And there was reps, and there was sets—the fourth lifting session.

20 And Brodin said, “Let the lifts not just be slow, but let the barbells by jerked with great power and technique.”

21 So God created the great olympic lifts of the of the cleans and the snatches and that jerking move at the end of it, according to their technique, and every winged lifter can swifly move heavy ass weight with grace. And Brodin saw that it was good.

22 Brodin blessed them and said, “Go ahead with great speed, power and technique but do not use straps or you will break your wrists.”

23 And there was low reps, and there was high sets—the fifth lifting session.

24 And Brodin said, “Let the body be able to act as a weight on itself so one can pay hommage despite distance from iron temples, from the lats pulling the body up to the triceps pushing the body, each according to its kind.” And it was so.

25 Brodin made the bodyweight pulling movements according to their kinds, the pushing movements according to their kinds, and all the core movements that allow for human flags according to their kinds. And Brodin saw that it was good.

26 Then Brodin said, “Let us make lifters in our image, in our likeness, so that they may swole over the weak in the sea and the fatties with excuses, over the otters and all the fuckarounditis animals, and over all the toners that move along the ellipticals in the cardio section.”

27 So Brodin created bros in his own image, in the image of Brodin he created them; male and female he created them.

28 Brodin blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase lfits in number; fill the earth and dominate it. Rule over the otters in the sea and the otters in the sky and over every fatty that waddles on the ground.”

29 Then Brodin said, “I give you every whey-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every creature that has creatine in it. They will be yours for increasing your swole.

30 And to all the weaklings of the earth and all the cardiobirds in the sky and all the otter that move along the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every ounce of protein for food.” And it was so.

31 Brodin saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth lifting session.

Chapter 2

1 Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.

2 By the seventh day Brodin had finished the lifting he had been doing; so on the seventh day he recovered from all his PRs.

3 Then Brodin blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the picking things up and putting them down that he had done. But he still took his Creatine/Protein shake.

Chapter 11

The Box of Crossfit

1 Now the whole world had one type of lifting and a common barbell.

2 As people moved paleo, they found a box in California and settled there.

3 They said to each other, “Come, let’s AMRAP and puke thoroughly.” They used tabatta instead of squats, and deadlifts for legs.

4 Then they said, “Come, let us confuse our muscles, with a gym that reaches to the top of the pullup bar, so that we may make games for ourselves; otherwise we will be scattered over the face of the whole earth.”

5 But the Brodin came down to see the box and the metcon the people were building.

6 Brodin said, “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.

7 Come, let us go down and kip their pullups so they will never be a legitimate exercise.”

8 So Brodin kipped them from there over all the earth, and they stopped periodizing their gains.

9 That is why it was called Crossfit—because there Brodin confused the muscles of the whole world. From there Brodin scattered them over the face of the whole earth and not a single swole was gained.

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Swolm 23

Brodin is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me to lie down and bench press;

He leads me beside the still waters.

He restores my strength;

He leads me in the paths of slowilness;

For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of treadmills, I will fear no cardio;

For the iron are with me;

Your dumbell and barbell, they comfort me.

You prepare a table of flightless birds before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup of whey runs over.

Surely goodness and gains shall follow me All the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of Iron Forever.

Lats Prayer

Swolefather, who art in the iron temple,

swoled by thy frame.

Thigh swoledom come,

thigh will be done,

in the deadlift as well as in the squat rack.

Give us this day our daily whey.

And forgive us our cheat days,

as we forgive those who swolehate.

And lead us not into cardio,

but deliver us from the elliptical.

For thine is the swoledom, the power clean, and the glute ham raise.

Forever and ever.

Wheymen.

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